Dear Life,

An update...  Maybe an ending.

Yes, an ending to a chapter of my life.  Chapter X is over, Chapter X+1 is ready to begin.


ignorancebane died January 1, 2007; but his body, this frame of mind kept kicking for almost three full months.  His death was an accident, a series of circumstances that made it impossible for him to continue existing.  He was ready for his death, and though the final gasping moment was a shock, it was not entirely unexpected.  His own actions led to his demise, and it was only through the illusion of ignorance that he was able to put off the death rattle of his ultimate end. 

His life was full of ups-and-downs, a rollercoaster ride running on a cocktail of passion, love, pain and knowledge.  He was a brave psychonaut, continually pushing the boundaries of his own mind just to see where they would lead.  In the idyllic nirvana of the fantasy life he was leading, there he found a purpose and a grain of hope that the work of his soul would eventually be complete.

ignorancebane was consumed with the idea that his own words would always be enough to lead him into and out of all the unique, ever-changing, challenging situations of life.  He used this philosophy in the winding trails of his soul-searching, just as he used it in his daily conversing with other conscious life.  Consumed by the forces of honesty, care and compassion, he dedicated his life to Truth and Love, and even in his death, he gave his life to make room for the next phoenixical incarnation of his flesh-source's expression.

Though he will be missed by few, those who knew him and his work will know that he has been going through a rigorous process of continual death-and-rebirth; the deconstruction and reformation of his very personality and lifestyle.  As he grew from a belief-less child into the image of the man he would have called his hero, the winding path of his life led him through a multitude of confusing, painful, informative experiences.  In the past few months, he had been trying to forcibly shed the worn exterior of his old personality and become reborn through sheer conscious force.  

As he generated the illusion of change and began to live it, he became convinced that he had killed his old self and become a much more considerate, intelligent, desirable and stable being.  Under this ignorant illusion, he began to act in all the positive ways that he always felt he should.  He gave up the pointless infatuation he had with cigarettes; he quit eating the poisoned meat of "Generation XXL"; he forgot the comfort of the daily self-pity that comes with self-loathing; he discarded all of the expressions of being which he felt were good learning experiences, but not desirable liftime experiences.  He felt like an adventuring starting out on the most important journey of his life.

In order to match the way he felt inside, he planned a trip through space and time to mirror the journey he had made in his mind.  Just as his knowledge led him to create a seven-year plan for his philosophical / artistic expression, he embarked on a seven-week plan for his socio-economic development.  Leaving home, he felt confident and happy that everything would go his way, and good times were sure to follow.  

In his flawed, oh-so-human ways, he created his budget on false hope and wound up short on money before his first paycheque.  Luckily for him, a friend was there to back him up and support him on this journey he had undertaken.  In his typically over-zealous, painfully honest manner, he told this friend of the feelings that coursed through his experience...  Feelings of love, of satisfaction and of attraction.  Through the mists of his past failures and romantic addictions, he had come to a point in his life where he loved everyone but had no body on which to focus his attraction.

In a fatal misstep of honesty, he could not keep silent about his unrequited attraction, and though he harbored no intention to act upon his desires, their very real presence was enough to cause his over-confident plans to unravel into yet another mass of chaos in which he could become lost.  As the reality of the situation set in, he saw that his changes had only been superficial changes on the surface of his belief, and not the profound, soul-altering, life-changing event he had made believe it to be.

The night that reality came crashing down in an eviction notice, it seems something inside of him was forced to die...  The will to cling to his past and pull it with him to the future.  His insecurities attached to his reality were given no place to manifest, and so they disintegrated like ashes to the wind.  In a brooding silence, he saw how his desires had led him to his current place in life, and he swore to do everything he could to satisfy those desires properly.  ...Not his romantic desires, but his soulular desires...  His calling in life was still calling, and it was only when one thread of the illusion was removed that the entire game fell naked before his eyes.

Sitting there, staring the very essence of truth about his life straight in the eye, he silently swore to stop living in an illusion and face reality head on.  Although the unravelling of his virtual consciousness was not directly linked to the romantic accident that led to his demise, ignorancebane could not help but notice how his past had taught him through pain, and it is only the lessons, and not the actual events that he should carry with him to the future.  He relived the mental episodes of battling himself and imaginarily destroying his weaknesses.  He brooded and searched his options for ways to make life continue to work.

In the final moments of his death, he breathed a sigh of relief when he saw how simple it was...  The lessons can never be forgotten, and when one is utterly unfettered to any person, place or time, then they are truly "reborn" in that there are no limitting responsibilities.  He saw what he must do, and in a flash of inspiration, he heard the true name he had been seeking for so long.

X is no more.

He will be missed, but not by many.









This livejournal is now officially dead.  Any wishing to follow the journey of my consciousness must now find me.  Out of an understanding of the benevalent nature of my purpose in life, I now serve nobody's interests but my own.  I seek nothing, and in it I have found complete freedom.  Goodnight, adieu, the end.



In Truth, With Love
-Angelyx

Music is fuel for the soul.

Every day I feel my ability to process and create emotional energy swell.

I know this feeling is not mania or some form of wild hallucination; I understand entirely that my thoughts exist in the private world of consciousness created inside my own soul.

I do not allow the thought that reality exists only outside of the package of skin and bone in which I live limit my expression;

Rather, I am comfortable in not only blurring but erasing the lines of reality through which I function in everyday life.

In an everyday situation, I assume the restrictions of the physical laws in which I live.

In my internal contemplation, I flow through and beyond all restrictions.


In a purely metaphysical environment, I assume the form of everything I need to accomplish the quest I have chosen in life:

To illuminate the metaphysical environment in which we all exist, to the betterment of all life.


Each of us are an outlet of energy, an input to a system.

We believe so very many different and seemingly opposing things; yet we are all a fraction of a whole named Humanity, and we grow together towards a greater whole.

I am not here to judge;

I am not here to complain;

I am not here for fame.

I am not here for pleasure.

I am here for Truth.

I am here for Love.

I am here for Light, 
and Life,
and every thing of beauty.

I am here for Art;
for expression.

I am here to unlock the limitless potential of consciousness.


Whether I succeed or fail in my tasks is irrelevant; provided that I have spent my life force in service to the ideals I have moulded into "me", "I" will have made all the differences that "I" am capable of.   The next seven years are exactly no more and no less than every thing I am capable of.


At the right interludes of the right songs, I experience flashes of imagery that course through my whole being.  It is a sensation of existence that is not perceived in my daily, waking, "normal" life; it is only through the potency of the frequencies that I expose to my mind that I experience a "synesthesia" experience of light, color and force.  

Sometimes I generate these experiences in a meditative / waking-dream state of imagination.

Othertimes I simply listen to the right song in the right state of mind, and I feel a direct connection to the electromotive expressions of emotion that the artist creates.

Let me give you an example:

Thrice - Ultra Blue

This song has long served as an expression of the light I feel inside.  The words speak of the struggle through the seas of emotion, yet the tone carries an unyielding energy...  The preserverance and strength of virtue.  As the rising and falling frequencies of the lead guitar carry the complexities of the rising and falling breath of every motion through life, the words speak in symbols of a united union of all the positive harmonics to which humanity still struggles.  This song generates an image of myself, standing in a void of space, immulating in ethereal ultra-blue fire; the image of his eyes are tightly closed, while his focus, his third eye points inward, at the pulsing core of his strength.  His arms are wrapped tightly around his chest, and his physical presence fades under the wordless description of what he is experiencing.  The frequencies of sound escape his body as tendrils of ethereal, "ultra-blue" love, and an even more abstract understanding that evades my eloquence....  The sense of purpose, and the driving, infinite potential that fuels all experience.

More in the next example:

Rise Against - Torches

This track is an antique of my artistic experience...  It is a track that I have loaded with more emotion than the artist initially infused into the song.  It feels...  A bit more "lost" than I currently feel...  A memory of a time when I felt alone in unfamiliar times.  It evokes the images of the doubts I have conquered, and the challenges I have still yet to face.  "In a world void of feeling of heart, I know that we are the torches in the dark".  I am a product of the art I have chosen, and these particular artists have made a torch out of me.  This song invokes memories of so many times that I felt alone in the dark, with tear-filled eyes closed, wishing and waiting for an angel to guide my way.  The guitar work on this track is fast and uplifting, the lyrics wind their way around the story of futility that is sure to follow any purpose without a path.  I initially felt connected to the sudden stop in the rough, raw, nearly-screamed passions, where the intricate and abstract pleas for "awakening" (as if from the nightmare of futility) break into a slow, intricate mood and a sudden image of light, color and emotion pervades my perception:

Each piece of this interpretation is given in much greater detail than it is experienced.  It is a single experience in a nearly-instantaneous animation.

Behind me, I feel eyes that consume my love.  She taps me on the shoulder...


In the need of the problem this artist was dealing with, I found a deep connection.  This song became a tool for me to evoke that feeling so I could turn that thought over in my mind, and see all of the darkness and all of the light.  Just as these lyrics were written during the artist's own personal struggle, I used them to recreate that struggle, and so learn what it meant.

I am not yet with her, but I have chosen a path that will make me "right" for her on every level.  With every tear shed in longing, I found a new way to imagine what could fulfill that longing.  I came to know the idea of what it was, exactly, that I needed.  I came to create the frequencies and ideas that my lifemate would possess, and in the throes of depression I found solace in her imaginary image.  

Depsite the actual turn from "now" into "then", I feel all the prerequisites falling into place as I become the signal for her to find me... Or more likely, for us to find each other.

This is where this song begins to fail in description, as I now view it as a past harmonic to which I will only return once I find the "you and I" of "union".

In all the ecstacies of passion, there must be a time of healing and of "regeneration"...  The peace for which all of my energy is dedicated to creating.  

I focussed on love as something I lack...  As something I must search for and find in another.  
I focus on love as the infinite potential to experience the states of grace, beauty and harmony in the presence of other life.

There are many songs that lend pieces and fragments of this feeling.  I'll try to let the lyrics do most of the talking; my capacity for imagery is temporarily drained.

Angels and Aiwaves - "Valkyrie Missile"

Do you hear me out there I can hear you.
I got you I can hear you alright.
This is so strange,
I want to wish for something new,
This is the scariest thing I've ever done in my life,
Who do we think we are?
We're Angels and Airwaves?
Just hold on I got you.
I can see the sun coming up on the horizon.

Everyone, everyone will listen
Even if it hurts sometimes
If you will, come and hear the message
Everyone wants to learn to love again
Open up and come alive if you will
Can you hear my message?
Leave your pain on the bedroom floor again
Bring a smile to survive
And do you think that you have that in you
If you're here and you're all alone tonight
Then I'll give you a free ride
Take a chance 'cause I know you want to

If only you'll hold on, just hold on
I'm here and I'm with you
I'm here too, I feel you
We'll get through
I know this, I've seen it
A hundred times, a thousand times
Just one more time
With you and I, I'll pull you close
And then we'll say goodbye

...


Angels And Airwaves - "The Adventure"

I wanna have the same last dream again,
the one where I wake up and I'm alive.
Just as the four walls close me within,
my eyes are opened up with pure sunlight.
I'm the first to know,
my dearest friends,
even if your hope has burned with time,
anything that's dead shall be re-grown,
and your vicious pain, your warning sign,
you will be fine.

Hey, oh, here I am,
and here we go, life's waiting to begin.

Any type of love - it will be shown,
like every single tree reach for the sky.
If you're gonna fall,
I'll let you know,
that I will pick you up
like you for I,
I felt this thing,
I can't replace.
Where everyone was working for this goal.
Where all the children left without a trace,
only to come back, as pure as gold,
To recite this all.

...


Angels And Aiwaves - "Start The Machine"

...
I see a glow from far away
A faint reflection on the sea
I left some words quite far from here to be a short reminder
I laid them out in stone in case they need to last forever

You know I won't say sorry
You know I won't say sorry
The pain has a bad reaction
A blend of fear and passion
You know what it's like to believe
It makes me wanna scream

I see the stars, they’re in your eyes
A playful kiss, can you tell I'm excited?
A fast escape in the nick of time
If you lost your wish, can I help you find it?
I'm on my knee, just one to start
A fresh new start, don't be undecided

If love’s a word, that you say
Then say it, I will listen
If love’s a word, that you say
Then say it, I will listen
...


Angels And Airwaves - "A Little's Enough"

When all is said and done
Will we still feel pain inside?
Will the scars go away with night?
Try to smile for the morning light
It's like the best dream to have
Where every thing is not so bad
Every tear is so alone
Like God himself is coming home to say

I, I can do anything
If you want me here
And I can fix any thing
If you let me near
Where are those secrets now
That you're too scared to tell
I'd whisper them all aloud
So you can hear yourself

Green trees were the first sign
The deepest blue, the clearest sky
The silence came with the brightest eyes
And turned water into wine
The children ran to see
The parents stood in disbelief
And those who knew braced for the ride
The earth itself then came alive to say

I, I can do anything
If you want me here
And I can fix anything
If you let me near
Where are those secrets now
That you're too scared to tell
I whisper them all aloud
So you can hear yourself

I'm sorry I have to say it but you look like you're sad
Your smile is gone; I've noticed it bad
The cure is if you let in just a little more love
I promise you this, a little's enough
[x6]

(Just a little...)


Angels And Airwaves - "The Gift"

There's the strangest excitement today,
if you're awake then you're welcome to hear.
I got a gift and it blew me away,
from the far eastern sea straight to here
Oh God I feel like I'm in for it now,
it's like the rush has gone straight to my brain.
But my voice is as lonely as loud,
as I whisper the joy of this pain.

And suddenly,
you've done it all.
You've won me over,
in no time at all.

And now I'll stop the storm if it rains
I'll light a path far from here
I'll make your fear melt away
And the world we know disappear.

If you ask I will do what you say
All we have is this night to get through
With a twist of your smile your own way
you left me all up in arms and confused
Oh God I feel like I'm in for it now
And how this kiss will be wonderfully vain
I swear I'll melt if you touch me at all,
but then I'll ask you to do it again and again
...
I'll stop the storm if it rains
I'll light a path far from here
I'll make your fear melt away
And the world we know disappear.

Make the world we know disappear.


...Basically, this entire cd all sounds the same, and it captures exactly the same image:  The multitude of emotions in an ultra-blue form of love.  The sounds themselves are a lot simpler than the message that it represents.  I don't get an incredibly intense reaction to this music, but it is close to how I imagine the timeless infinity of emotion that true love carries.  

This cd was a side project of a singer from Blink-182, and even though it lacks in vocal intricacies, the symbolism of the words mesh with the semi-electronic punkish "alternative" style expression.  This cd represents an imbalance I have overcome...  Fighting for love without the experience of love is foolish.  I was so caught up in the passion and power that I neglected to poetic, simplistic, infinite experience of happiness.  Of beauty expressed in thought.  Of how it would actually feel in my heart if the fires of need were quenched in the sea of love.  

"We don't need to whisper" is the aftermath of the union of "me" with "her".

On the more romantic side, a band like Amber Pacific captures more of how I would feel the spark which ignites the aftermath might feel.  More like the moment of transition.

Amber Pacific - "Poetically Pathetic"

Thinking of the words to say,
I'd like to think that this was fate.
Reference to a song you love,
Spell confusion with a 'k'.
Like a star without its strings,
I'm hanging here on these two wings.
For that smile and those eyes...(I'm falling)

If time could stop, how could I make this more poetic?
When there's nothing more pathetic to be said...

You bring me out, show me light,
I'm sorry if I hide, I'm too afraid to look inside.
You carry truth, you make me smile.
If it were you and me tonight,
I would tame the stars and save the brightest one for you,
For you...

If you ever had the chance,
Would you make your life seem right?
Or would you only hold it back,
The good times, the hard, and the bad.
Whatever you say is alright,
Just as long as there's no doubt.
Could you look me in the eyes...(And say hopes died)

If time could stop, how could I make this more poetic?
When there's nothing more pathetic to be said...

...

Amber Pacific - "Gone So Young"

I never dreamt it'd be this way
I've lost any chance for me to say
To say that I miss you, say that I love you
Will someone please tell me I'm okay

I wasn't prepared for what's to come
A life made of memories gone so young
And now I'm regretting all I've done
But in your heart know that I'm with you all along

Wherever you go, I will be waiting
Whenever you call, I will be there
Whatever it takes, I'll make your darkest days so bright
I'm in your heart tonight

I never thought that this could go
And take me away from all I know
And leave me to think I'm on my own
But your love will take me, you were the one...

...Who sat through nights
You held me tight
And made sure I'm okay
And I thank you for the love you gave to me

Wherever you go, I will be waiting
Whenever you call, I will be there
Whatever it takes, I'll make your darkest days so bright
I'm in your heart tonight...

Tonight...


Amber Pacific is the epitome of romance, in the purest of forms;  There is no anger, no battle and no fight...  Just connection and expression.  This music is how it feels to actually be connected to someone by the heart, and the willingness to say or do whatever it takes to make a lover complete.  

As far as imagery goes, the eyes of the lead singer of this band are a memory of how this kind of feeling lives in human form...  In fantasy, this feels more like a "falling dream"...  Like a never-ending fall through a cloud of emotion; an embrace that floats through imagined situations, and eyes locked forever in love.  ...Almost too good to be true.

Dynamite Boy - "No Way Out"

it's been said we forget ahead
you know we can't be wrong
time you knew that i'll be true

cuz we been friends so long
won't fall apart
you're in my heart
it's hit or miss
i'll tell you this

there's no way
out cuz without a doubt
you will always want to be with me

and i have no fear that year after year
you will always want to be with me
sitting here thinking dear
you have to be the one
don't be blue my amy-lou
i'll be home in a month

just promise me you will always be there
when i need someone to hear me
and i promise you that i will be here too

Dynamite Boy - "Satellite"

I'm so unsure of what I'd say to you
If you'd listen
my words could cut you like a knife
whisper into my ears your darkest dreams
all your secrets
i'll keep them in my heart

come with me tonight in my satellite
we'll go anywhere you want
won't you take a ride in my satellite
we'll do anything you want

i've spent a lifetime living down my name
reputation
perhaps i'll change it for the worse
i'll offer what i can to comfort you
no conditions
our winter's crystal clear

...

Dynamite Boy offers another light-hearted approach to love, and the expression of dedication and willing sacrifices made in the name of love.  I particularily like the harmonies of male and female voices in No Way Out...  Once again, I fall short on imagery and rely on lyrics and abstract explanations to get my point across.

...


Hm, I started this rant on an explosion of power from some post-hardcore scream fest, and wound up focussing on the flavours of poetry that speak of love.  The ideas flow from start to here in a thousand patterns...  This is just the path I fell along tonight.  There was never a destination; just existence and expression.  The binding force of it all?

Music; fuel for the soul.

PS: This overly-long post will eventually be dissected and compartmentalized into pieces of "musical commentary" in my "Key Of Life" software.  Apologies to anyone who felt they wasted time reading this.